Today we are beginning a series. We will be discussing manipulation tactics that toxic people use to target, control, isolate, and make you feel like you've lost your mind. So to kick start this series, we will be covering love bombing because it's the first tactic most toxic people use to suck you in and keep you under their control.
Origins of love bombing
Lovebombing became defined around the 1970s when the Unification Church lead by Sun Myung Moony - which was a cult that members were commonly called moonies after their founder, but this religious sect. Used conversation, mind games, friendliness, complimentary language, anD false promises in order to bring in its members and keep them.
So if you grew up in a dysfunctional family system or have experienced a toxic relationship, the family or relationship can feel cult like with its isolation, control, and mentality.
What is Love Bombing?
Love bombing is an emotional and psychological abuse tactic that is hidden within over the top compliments, praising you, always agreeing with you, gift giving, false promises, over communicating their feelings - especially very early during a relationship, excessive dream like talk about the future, and very intense emotions.
It is often used by individuals with personality disorders or narcissistic tendencies with the toxic cycle of Lovebombing, devalue, and discard. Where the target is lovebombed, built up to feel important, loved, cared about, and is now isolated from other people that were in their life before the toxic person, then devalued, the toxic person strips away their compliments, tells the target they're worthless, lowers the targets self esteem and self worth, and discard, where the toxic person ignores, gives the silent treatment, or even breaks up with the target.
Once this vicious cycle has completed itself, the loveboming often happens again and the cycle will continue over and over until the target leaves or the toxic person finds a new target. This happens easily because the toxic person has effectively isolated their target and the isolation is often suffocating so when some Lovebombing happens for the cycle to continue, the target receives a huge dopamine hit and goes right back. Loveboming is like a drug and during the discard phase it can feel like a withdrawal period
The differences between love bombing: family members
If you grow up with toxic family members, it will be harder to spot love bombing due to only knowing love bombing as your normal, which can lead to toxic partners and friends down the road.
Our brains work to protect us by filtering out unneeded memories, memories that are too painful to process or memories you aren't old enough to understand or put into words into our subconscious. Our brain remembers the Love Bombing more than the discard or devalue - until we finally are aware of the toxicity many years later, but we often have this feeling in our gut that something is wrong but since we were raised with it and it's toxic cycle become our normal - even when we absolutely hate it and just want consistency and stability.
Focusing on the good times as a child is our survival mechanism. We had to keep going and we had no choice in who our caregivers were.
The difference between love bombing: partners
When you're beginning a relationship, it's normal to have a rush. Everything is new. You're excited to try to get into a relationship and get to know this person, but this is where the tricky part is.
What's the difference between the normal new feeling of a relationship and love bombing?
Often love bombing can go undetected in the beginning of a relationship,but noticing their behavior around other people is a big clue of how the person can be. How are they treating the waiter, the cashier, or just a random person on the street? Are they rude, judgmental, or even a bully? Do you feel a deep feeling of confusion because that person you're on a date with is amazing with you, but treats others they deem unworthy like they're trash and on the other hand, they can often be Flashy or a show off when they are trying to impress you and people they deem important.
An example of this is if the person you're dating is sending you gifts at work or in public. They are unnecessarily showing off the “just because gifts” to suck you in and showing others that may be important to you will help paint that individual in a good light so when you're sucked in, they can really trap you because they came off as “such a good person” in the beginning so most likely people in your life before can determine that you just simply fizzled out of the friendship you once had because you were busy with no hard feelings.
This doesn't mean that it's love bombing if your partner sends you a gift at work or even proposes to you in public. It's all about how early, how intense, and how random it is. There should also be a pattern of the person who is very generous to also extend that generosity to you in private settings.
A “just because gift” a few weeks to a few months into a relationship is not typical. Holidays and birthdays can be an exception.
We also have to remember love bombing isn't just about gifts and grandiosity. It's also about how their “love” is communicated to you.
Love bombers will be intense. I love yous will be said very quickly and you will feel rushed into a relationship before you can establish genuine feelings instead of lust. If you were bullied or grew up in a toxic home, you may have felt like this relationship is great. That Someone finally wants to be with me. I should go with it because low self esteem and the deep need for connection overpowered some of our thought processes even if we felt something off and the love bomber could see that and took it to their advantage.
One good way to test if someone in genuine with how they feel is to reply with your genuine feelings. Say something like, “I do like you, but I want to get to know you more before we get to that point in our relationship.” Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Introducing you to important people and wanting to move in together quickly.
Jumping head first into the relationship is what a love bomber wants you to do. They may even introduce you to their parents or other important people in their life - like their children after a date or two. That leap can make you feel like you're special or that this person is super serious and wants commitment, but it is a red flag to look out for to protect yourself.
This move could also show desperation and be a sign that this was a manipulation tactic to make you feel like you're special or that you're the perfect person that they knew was perfect to bring to the parents. It is an action that does make you feel secure, happy, and cared about but it's inappropriate until you're in a relationship for at least several months.
2 Less talked about signs of love bombing
When love bombing is happening in a relationship, there are a few things that go unnoticed that aren't often deeply discussed.
One of the most detrimental signs of love bombing is sleep deprivation. As we discussed earlier, love bombing can make have chemical changes in the brain that are similar to substance use and then a withdrawal period depending on where you are in the love bombing cycle. However when we are in the early stage in the admiration loving phase, sleep deprivation is very common. The loveboming can lead to a decreased need for sleep due to wanting to always talk, feel needed or loved by the lovebomber, and the excitement can make you feel like you have to stay awake so you can continue to get this feeling.
It's normal to feel excitement about a relationship, but it's never healthy to throw away sleep, try to make yourself stay up, or change everything about your schedule just for a person.
Throwing away your interests. Though it may not be realized until you're deep in the relationship, love bombers have charm and that charm can lead you to abandon your interests and even everything about yourself. You might start to question who you are, where your passions are, and why can't you be like how you were before this relationship started. Other people will notice this, if you are still in communication with people outside of the relationship, but isolation and ostracization is common in toxic relationships.
Source:
The Problem With “Love Bombing” Someone. (n.d.). Dictionary.com. https://www.dictionary.com/e/slang/love-bombing/
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